Forgiving My Mom
On Sunday evening, the first Sunday of the month of October 1980, I was talking with the Single's Minister, Bud, at my Church. One of his sons, Greg, came up and asked if he could go eat pizza with the youth. Since he was busy with me he told him to go ask his mother. I could tell that Greg didn't want to by his facial expression.
For some reason Greg's response to his dad brought up in me a feeling of hatred. I began to spew out some hateful words. Bud just listened. Afterwards he said that God impressed on him that what I needed was inner healing. He asked me if I knew anything about it. I told him that I knew something about it.
Bud said that he knew of someone in the city that had a ministry of helping people receive inner healing. He said that he wanted me to pray about it and told me to let him know in a week if I wanted to go see that person. If I did, then he would have his wife, LeVita, make an appointment and she and I could go together.
That week I prayed about it. I studied the New Testament and concluded that that is something God wanted for me.
The next Sunday I told Bud that I wanted to go. Bud had LeVita call this person, her name was Betty, to set up an appointment. We were to go Friday, Oct 31.
When Oct 31 came LeVita and I went to see Betty.
Betty explained to me that to receive inner healing that I needed to be born-again. I assured her that I was and that the weeks leading up to this day I had recommitted my life to Jesus.
I told Betty a little about my life. I told her about how my mother, brother, and father hurt me while I was growing up. She told me that to receive inner healing that I need to forgive them or God would not forgive me (Matt 6:14-15).
She asked me, "Do you forgive your mother?" I responded that I would try. She asked me if I forgive my brother. I responded that I think so. She asked me if I forgive my father. I responded that I guess so.
She wasn't quite sure of my responses but she decided to proceed. She explained that I was to visualize Jesus holding my hand as she brought up all these experiences and then to forgive the family member that hurt me.
I bowed my head, closed my eyes, or looked away from her as she brought up some of these memories. I had no visual imagery. God protected me from it since visualization is not of God but is an occult technique.
One memory was particularly troublesome. Betty decided to stop since she could sense that this was not working.
Betty asked how I felt. I didn't feel any better. Actually, I think, I felt worse. Betty explained that sometimes inner healing comes gradually and it might take some time.
Betty made some final remarks. She had written two books on inner healing that she gave to me. She asked that I read the first book she wrote within the next week. I told her that I could not promise that I would do it within the next week but that I would read it.
That night, Oct 31, I was invited to a local high school football game by an older couple that I knew. I don't like football but I went because I liked them and wanted to be with them.
All during the game I kept crying out to the Lord to help me forgive my mother. [ My mom was the one I held the most against and many of the problems I had in life were because of her.] I told God that I had little to give in forgiving my mother and that He had to make up for what I did not have.
For over a week I did not read the book that Betty had given me. However, on Nov 10 I developed an interest in the book and began to read it. I had read that God wanted believers to be healed from the wounds of their past. To receive healing the believer needed to be born-again. She continued to say that the believer needed to forgive in order for God to forgive him/her. She instructed that, with Jesus, the believer should go through all the hurtful memories he/she had and forgive the offender. Then when that was finished that the believer should ask God to fill him/her with His Spirit.
As I was nearing the end of her book on Nov 11, I went into my bathroom. I was looking in the mirror and I began to cry. I said a couple of times, "I want to forgive my mom. I want to forgive my mom."
I went and sat down on the floor and leaned against my bed. I began to pray. I told God that I wanted to forgive my mom. For an hour and a half God brought up memories of my past that I held against my mother. With each memory I made the choice to forgive my mom. As soon as I told God that I forgive He convicted me of having committed the same sin. I responded, "Oh God, forgive me for having done the same thing."
After God ceased bringing up memories of my past I got in bed and said a general prayer. I told God that I forgive my mom, ask Him to forgive me for having done the same thing, and concluded the prayer with asking God to fill me with His Spirit.
I went to sleep.
I was awakened in the morning when my radio came on. I had it tuned to a local Christian Radio Station. The song, "He Touched Me" was playing. I sat on the side of my bed listening to the song. I knew that God had touched me and that I was not the same person.
Everything became different for me. Nothing bothered me anymore. I felt like I was on Cloud Nine. If things didn't go right at work, while everyone else was responding in a negative way, I just said, "Oh well, there will be another day."
I went to my brother's house for Christmas. My mother came as well. All the things that she did to me while growing up she did to me again. It didn't bother me; it was like those things had never happened. I responded to her with agape love (1 Cor 13:4-7). She would get mad because she could not control me.
My mother use to be able to control me emotionally. She could break me with just a look. I was afraid to make mistakes. At times I hated her. But after I received healing from the things she did to me while growing up she no longer had any control over me. It was like those things had never happened.